Nine Letters Long Read online

  ‘See you this arvo?’

  Yes, they did make a deal but Evie doesn’t want to go there. Not today.

  ‘I’m practising with the fellas,’ he mutters. ‘See you whenever.’

  Seb squeezes into the line of Wolsley boys filing out of the bus. Evie keeps her eyes focused straight ahead. ‘Don’t look out there,’ she tells herself. ‘Just in case.’

  There’s a tap on the bus window. Evie’s eyes don’t flicker. ‘Don’t turn around,’ her head instructs. ‘Not today.’

  Another tap. ‘Evie!’ But it’s Seb’s voice and straight away Evie turns to the window. He’s holding something up. ‘Your CD,’ he mouths.

  Evie tries to slide open the window, but it’s stuck and the bus is moving away. ‘I’ll get it off you tomorrow,’ she calls.

  Seb jumps back on to the footpath and waves. Evie smiles and waves back. The little girl’s not there today.

  As the bus drives away from the pin, Evie thinks of that day back in July when Seb and she made their deal. The day Evie knew she could trust Seb no matter what.

  ‘I still can’t believe you didn’t know a little girl was killed at the pin.’

  ‘No.’ Evie swallows. ‘It was my secret. I couldn’t tell anyone.’

  ‘It must’ve been … scary?’

  ‘Yeah, it was.’ Evie hugs her knees. ‘Sometimes I’d see her every day and then I wouldn’t see her for months. I forget exactly how old I was but one day I realised no one else saw her … standing there. That’s when it got scary ’cause I figured then she must’ve been … dead. Like a ghost. And then I used to think I was going mad. That was pretty horrible too.’

  ‘When I’d get on the bus, you’d always be staring straight ahead. You looked like you’d bite if anyone came near you.’ Seb shakes his head. ‘But that’s why, isn’t it? That’s why you didn’t want to look out the window.’

  Evie nods.

  ‘Geez, and I thought it was because you didn’t want me to sit next to you.’

  ‘Well, that too.’ Evie feels her skin turn pink. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘That’s okay,’ Seb smiles. ‘I still did. I was a bit overkeen, wasn’t I?’

  ‘Brave,’ Evie giggles.

  ‘Mad, you mean. Oh. Sorry.’

  ‘Well, it’s not like that now.’

  ‘And you never even heard about the girl being run over at the pin?’

  ‘Not until you told me.’ Evie picks at her nails. ‘I know how pathetic that sounds.’

  ‘It’d be pretty unbelievable – to most people.’

  ‘My parents made sure I never knew. Apparently that was my mother’s idea of protecting me.’ Evie shrugs. ‘If only they’d realised how different my life would’ve been if I knew that I could see – and sense – these things. Well, I guess I learnt the tough way. It’s been hard to forgive them. Mum mostly. She didn’t want me to know.’

  ‘I’m glad I was the one to tell you.’

  ‘Seb?’ This is what Evie needs to ask. ‘Does anyone else know about … what I see there? I mean, you haven’t told anyone –’

  ‘No one. I swear.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Evie whispers.

  ‘You can trust me.’

  ‘I know I can. I really do.’

  ‘You can tell me if there’s, like, stuff going on. I mean, that’s if you want to.’ Now the colour flushes through Seb’s face. ‘You know I’ve always … well … liked you. Just being your friend’s enough.’

  ‘Thanks, Seb.’

  ‘So deal or no deal?’

  Evie laughs. ‘Deal.’

  They shake hands. For a second, Seb doesn’t let go. Instead, he squeezes her hand, his eyes fixed on her. And that’s the moment Evie knows she can trust Seb, always.

  After dinner, Evie stacks the dishwasher, dreading the sound of the doorbell. Victoria is coming over to discuss what’s happened. Having it so out in the open seems strange, but this is the new way. The post-Adelaide way.

  She feels her father’s hand on her shoulder.

  ‘How are you going?’ he asks. The frown sits deep in his forehead. Evie hates it when he looks like this. ‘You know we’re really going to get a handle on it this time.’

  Evie nods then turns back to the dishwasher, slipping the plates into the bottom rung.

  ‘Evie. Talk to me.’

  ‘I’m okay, Dad.’

  ‘Evie, come on.’

  Evie rinses the forks then places them into the plastic basket, one by one. ‘Evie, can you just leave the dishes for a second! Come on, love; we’ve been through so much. Don’t shut down on me now.’

  ‘I’m not … shutting down,’ Evie answers. ‘I’m just … well, I’m not sure how I feel.’

  The doorbell rings. Evie and Nick stand there, listening to Robin’s footsteps along the wooden floors.

  As the pungent smell of aftershave wafts into the kitchen, they know it must be Theo.

  ‘Talk to me, Evie,’ Nick says again.

  ‘It’s a bit soon. That’s all.’ Evie shakes her head. ‘I thought maybe I’d have a bit more … time out, if you know what I mean. I didn’t expect it to happen again. I mean, not this quickly. Not so soon after … everything I’ve been through.’

  Nick wraps his arms around her. ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispers. His guilt is never far away. ‘I wish it wasn’t like this for you.’

  ‘It’s not your fault, Dad.’ Evie nestles her face into his chest, smelling the lemon washing powder on his shirt. ‘After Adelaide,’ she continues, ‘after Adelaide I felt so … so focused and positive. I guess it’s just caught me off guard this time. Duh – like I’ve ever been prepared!’

  ‘Well, this time it’s going to be different,’ Nick tells her. ‘I promise. We’re going to –’

  Evie pulls away. ‘We?’

  ‘Evie.’ He holds her shoulders, his grip firm and solid. ‘We’re here too. You’re not alone. It’s different now.’

  The doorbell rings again. More footsteps along the floorboards. It’s Victoria’s voice now. ‘Sorry I’m late, Robin.’

  ‘Victoria, come in. Please.’ Evie hears the strain in her mother’s voice and tries to convince herself it is going to be different this time.

  They sit on the comfy couches, where the girls ate pizza just two nights ago. Victoria explains to Evie’s parents and Theo what she told Evie yesterday.

  Nick speaks first. ‘So you think it’s this Nora’s daughter, Caz, who’s contacted Evie? The one you thought might try to?’

  Evie knows her father understands how it works. Lately he’s been telling her more about his mother. Details he can remember from his childhood, like watching his mother’s clients walk in and out of the small room at the back of the house. Sometimes when they left they’d be crying and he’d think his mother had told them something bad. But when they handed over the money they’d hug her and say, ‘Thank you, Anna. Thank you for that reading.’

  ‘I’m sure it’s Caz who contacted Evie,’ Victoria answers. ‘There’s doesn’t seem to be any other explanation, and her name was spelt out.’

  ‘Couldn’t it be some mischievous spirit?’ Theo asks. ‘Isn’t there a theory that séances call up the troublemaking spirits? The ones that hang around this world like they’ve got nothing better to do.’ Theo chuckles. Evie feels her mother’s cringe.

  ‘Yes, Theo.’ Victoria smiles. ‘That is a theory. And in some ways you’re right. I’ve always felt Caz very close, except for the last time, of course. It made me think she was somehow stuck, not able to move on.’

  ‘So you think Caz wants to talk to Evie from now on?’

  ‘Yes, Nick, I do,’ Victoria replies. ‘That’s why I called you and Robin in the first place. I just didn’t think she’d take quite so long. I thought she’d be like her mother, strong and … pushy, let’s say. I’m sorry I left Evie so exposed.’

  ‘We all did,’ answers Nick.

  ‘But why? Why?’ They all turn to Robin. ‘What does she want with Evie all of a sudden?�
��

  ‘Robin …’ Victoria pauses. Evie senses she’s looking for the right words. Her mother is still vulnerable. There’s been so much for her to learn in such a short space of time. So much for her to accept. The idea that her daughter is different still sits uneasy on her skin. ‘Robin,’ Victoria continues, ‘it’s hard to know exactly what’s going on. But I am almost sure there’s something Caz is holding on to. There’s a strong sense that she needs to tell someone something, and, for whatever reason, she won’t tell me. I feel she’s looking for someone her own age.’

  ‘So what makes you think Evie’s the one?’

  Victoria lifts her shoulders ever so slightly. ‘I … just know.’

  Nick comes to the rescue. ‘I think what Robin’s trying to say is that we want to be really sure about this. We don’t want to set Evie up for something that she maybe doesn’t have to go through.’

  ‘I understand that,’ Victoria tells them. ‘I’m a parent too.’

  ‘Could it be a coincidence?’ Theo sits forward in his seat. ‘I mean, with Athena there was no mistaking it. But this time it seems not as … clear.’

  Evie sits quietly, their voices drifting around her. So many questions. So many concerns. Can Evie handle this? What could happen to her? Does she have to do this?

  Their words collide in the air but they are wasted. They mean nothing to her. Don’t they know there is no choice?

  For, at this very moment, the knowledge tingles in the soles of her feet. She feels it creeping up her legs and into her guts. For a moment, it sits there rumbling until it ascends into her chest, her throat and into her mouth. Evie tastes it – the knowledge. The knowledge that there is no choice. She has to do this. It’s as simple as that.

  ‘So what do you propose we do?’ Robin is asking Victoria. ‘You said on the phone you had some ideas.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Nick nods. ‘For Evie’s sake, I’d like to be really clear about how we’re going to approach this.’

  ‘I haven’t told Nora Cuza what’s happened. Like I said, I only see her twice a year and this must be handled with care. Nora likes to have things go her way. She can be … difficult if they don’t. She wasn’t very happy that her daughter couldn’t be contacted, and she’s not the type to just accept things. I’m half expecting her to ring me and ask to try again,’ Victoria explains. ‘This is what I wanted to discuss with you and, of course, see how Evie feels about it.’

  Robin recrosses her legs and sits up straight on the couch. Evie senses her mother struggling to prepare herself for the answers to the questions she has asked.

  ‘I think the best way to go about this –’ Victoria’s words are slow and measured, ‘– is probably for us to arrange a meeting with Nora. Try to be the ones in charge. If she agrees, and she will, and, of course … if … Evie … and everyone … is comfortable with the idea, then perhaps Evie and I should try to … contact Caz. Nora will insist she’s present. There’s really nothing I can do about that. It is her daughter, after all.’

  Over and over, Nick nods. His wife presses her lips together, gently rocking in her seat. Their pain and anguish cannot be hidden from Evie.

  ‘But Victoria, with all due respect,’ Theo says, ‘if you and this Mrs Cuza are there, then wouldn’t it be less likely for Caz to speak to Evie?’

  ‘Possibly,’ Victoria sighs. ‘But I think for the first time it’s better if we play it this way.’

  ‘So Caz’s mother …?’ Nick frowns.

  ‘Yes, Nick. Me and Nora and Evie. That’s all.’

  ‘Evie?’ The strain is audible in Robin’s voice. ‘How … how do you feel about this? Will you be more … comfortable having Victoria there?’

  ‘Yes,’ Evie tells her.

  ‘And what about Caz’s mum?’

  Evie shrugs.

  ‘Are you okay about having her there?’

  ‘I don’t –’ Evie blows the air from her mouth. ‘I don’t –’

  ‘Don’t what?’ Robin asks. ‘Tell us. Say if you don’t want her mother there.’

  For a second, Evie doesn’t answer.

  ‘Do you?’

  To the others, it looks as though she’s thinking, but she’s not. The distraction has come in a different form – it’s like a weight settling on her chest. ‘I don’t, I don’t –’ Her hand rubs across her chest and up to her throat. ‘I don’t. I –’ She tries to take a breath but the weight is starting to crush her ribcage. ‘I, I –’ She mouths the words as the air is sucked from her chest. ‘I, I, I, I –’

  ‘Evie?’

  A rasping sound chokes out of her throat. It fills the room with fear.

  ‘Evie?’ Robin is shaking her. ‘Evie!’

  ‘No … Mum,’ Evie wheezes. ‘No … Mum. No … Mum.’ Her neck and shoulders heave up and down with the effort of each word. ‘No. No. No Mum. No Maaa –’

  ‘Evie! Evie!’ They have surrounded her, their faces a blurry kaleidoscope of colour. Voices shout. Hands shake her. ‘Evie? Evie!’

  Now the force is rising through her chest. Evie hiccoughs the air as it bursts through her mouth, freeing the oxygen and releasing the scream: ‘NO MUM!’

  Her words ring through the air.

  The week drags as Evie waits for Victoria’s call. Her parents tread carefully around her and the days at school are long as she tries to distract herself from the agitation that bubbles inside. It’s just like it used to be, another’s darkness stalking her, surrounding her, draining her energy, occupying her mind. Evie feels herself digging a hole to hide from the world around her.

  ‘There you are.’ Poppy finds Evie in the school library. ‘Aren’t you coming down for lunch?’

  ‘I’ve got to get this art assignment done,’ Evie tells her. ‘It’s due soon.’

  ‘I’ve hardly seen you all week.’

  ‘I’ve been mostly here in the library,’ Evie shrugs. ‘Try writing a thousand words on “Contemporary art practices and the post-modern frame”.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘Well, come on. Put the book away. I’m starving.’

  ‘Where’s Alex?’ Evie asks as she squeezes the book back amongst the others.

  ‘She’s probably sitting with Roxy.’

  ‘Oh.’ Evie runs her finger along the metal shelf. ‘Roxy’s Zac’s cousin, isn’t she?’

  ‘No. I think their families are just really close. Obviously Alex is working on the family connections.’ Poppy groans. ‘She is following Roxy around like a bad smell. Like, who does she have the hots for – Zac or Roxy?’

  Evie collects her pens and folder from the desk. Poppy keeps chatting. ‘I mean, I nearly spewed when I saw her screensaver the other day. Have you seen it? It says “Zac Rox”.’

  ‘Hmm?’

  ‘Get it? Zac rocks. Zac and Roxy?’

  ‘Um, what?’

  ‘Zac and Roxy.’ Poppy frowns. ‘Evie – hello?’

  ‘Oh, sorry.’

  ‘You’re not okay, are you?’

  ‘Yeah,’ Evie squeaks.

  ‘No you’re not.’

  ‘Well, what am I meant to say?’

  The girls slip behind the reserved-books shelf.

  ‘You haven’t said any more about … you know, Saturday night?’ Poppy whispers. ‘I mean, it’s not like you’re not thinking about it all the time.’

  ‘Are you?’

  ‘Sort of but not … not badly.’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘More curious, I guess.’

  ‘Alex is freaked.’

  ‘Alex is fucked.’

  ‘Pop!’

  ‘You know what I’m saying,’ Poppy giggles. ‘Zac, Zac, Zac.’

  ‘God, I hope she doesn’t tell him.’

  ‘About … the séance?’

  Evie nods.

  ‘She won’t. She’s too busy trying to be Miss Prissy Sexy Perfect.’

  ‘But … are you fine about it?’

  ‘Evie, I’m the one that goes on the ride
s you and Alex are always too chicken to go on. Who went on the sling-shot five times at the Easter Show? Eh?’

  Evie is laughing.

  ‘Who was the first one to do the “Questacon Drop” at the excursion to Canberra in Year 7? Hmm?’ Poppy says to her. ‘Remember the teacher said I was so fearless even fear would be afraid of me. God, what a daggy line!’

  ‘We thought it was so cool at the time.’

  ‘Yeah.’ Poppy laughs, rocking back on her heels. ‘Look, I’m not freaked out about it. Promise. Maybe I’m a weirdo, but what’s new? I actually thought it was kind of cool.’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Did you figure out what the message meant?’

  ‘Kind of.’

  ‘Can … can you tell me?’

  ‘It’s a bit complicated,’ Evie starts. ‘I’m not sure I –’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ Poppy says. ‘If you can’t tell –’

  ‘I’m just not … not sure at the moment.’

  They walk out of the library and down the stairs to the quadrangle.

  At the last step, Evie stops. A sea of girls in white blouses lounge around the benches, eating their lunch. ‘Don’t be scared,’ the voice whispers to her. ‘Remember, you’re special.’

  Poppy weaves her way around them and Evie follows, her face hidden behind her folder.

  Evie leans against Victoria’s kitchen table while Victoria rinses a coffee plunger.

  ‘Is your mother handling things?’ she asks Evie.

  ‘Barely.’ Evie fiddles with the watch on her wrist. ‘She thinks I think she’s fine, so I’m not letting on. Not even to Dad, but I know she’s terrified. When they dropped me here, she looked like she was about to burst into tears. Actually, thinking about it, Dad did too.’

  ‘They’re just concerned. It must feel very strange for them.’

  ‘Mum was actually cross she couldn’t be here.’ Evie walks to a balcony door off the kitchen. ‘I’m not sure I could’ve … done it, if she was here. I’d be too self-conscious.’

  ‘Well, that’s progress on her part,’ reminds Victoria. ‘She wouldn’t have done that even six months ago.’

  ‘I know. I’m trying to remember that.’ Through the glass, Evie counts the traffic queuing at the lights. ‘Gee, the surf must be good. There are six cars with surfboards on the roof.’